Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
