Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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