I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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