I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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