remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
