They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
