i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
