Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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