i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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