you didnt know i had herpes?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
