i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
its liver damage thursday
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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