I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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