I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
