Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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