I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My vagina just recognized that song.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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