meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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