I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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