Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
