FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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