My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
