Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
