you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
