Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
