Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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