I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
