All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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