Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
