took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
