I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
