I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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