at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
this is an emotional support booty call
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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