Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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