It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize