I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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