I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
