I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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