I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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