i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
