some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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