I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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