A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
