Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
