I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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