Cold hands, warm shart.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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