just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
