Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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