awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He shit in the fireplace
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
