i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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