just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
