I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
