At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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