I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
