I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
