Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
