Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
