I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
