I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
