I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
