her vagine was all disorganized.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
