A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
